Consumption and Creation

days of folly

Well, a lot of time has passed by the bridge since I last wrote up some stream of consciousness style blurbs for the stacks.

Hold on. I’ll be right back.

I am cold but fuck if I’m going to turn on the heat. Cash is dwindling while prices go up all around. Winter has sunk into people’s skin and eyes are deep set and tired everywhere I go.

Tonight though I’ll post up high on some heals and bring the girls out for a show. I ain’t getting any younger. Fending off lesbian dance partners will be my stoney goal. That and writing some poems.

But I digress even before I gress here. Sorry. There is a lot to say regarding where my thoughts go these days. Maybe it’s because I am getting old and mellow but I don’t really care about the terrible things that are happening.

My new moto is ‘make me care’. It’s not that I am bitter. And I do understand some of the more intense moves of the devil lately. The thing is he isn’t nor shall the devil ever be God. No matter how he bastardizes humans and uses nature to his own wiles. God wins.

I’m high on ganja chocolate today. I even took half an Ativan. I realized that it all came down to my childhood. I was slammed with some disrespect from a man today. Hit me right in my five year old self and I made a stink and slammed shit around and flipped him off as he drove by. I am so sick of being treated like shit with no gratitude.

Anyway, as I slowly recovered from my devolution I realized that taking some meds is a good thing. It got me up and over it. Now to recover from a pharmie. Oh yay. And I’m not turning to alcohol so that’s good.

Also, eating cannabinoids really puts me in touch with my sensitivities. I can feel frequencies and hear high pitched tinnitus in my ears. Most of the time I feel I am schlogging through the world’s realities driving, shopping and walking. I long for voices of truth and I shun those who are not letting themselves think out the box. I have no more patience for people. But cannabis makes me sensitive to deeper connections with people.

For me there is consumption and creation. I get torn by illusions of human connection that are false. I’m a sucker for thinking that I have a friend. Friends are just people that pass by in life and we share some cool moments and then have memories if we’re lucky. Because my family kind of sucked growing up I really became co-dependent on friends. Not a great trait to bring to a friendship. And even to this day I sometimes get really hemmed up and can’t even do something if someone else isn’t doing it with me. Kind of like being afraid to make my own way in the world. It’s like a deeper state of FOMO but backwards.